What You See In Others You Bring Out In Them
by Brenda Shoshanna, New York City
When we see the worst in people, we send them an unconscious message about who they are to us. And they naturally and unconsciously fulfill that role. This dynamic operates between parents and children, husband and wives, and friends and lovers, as well as nations and religions.
On the other hand, when an individual, group, or nation is treated with respect, they sense it and it affects their sense of themselves and how they respond to us. Once we truly understand this, it’s very easy to turn negativity around.
Dwell Upon The Best Qualities In All
When you think ill of someone, immediately stop and think of their best qualities. Dwell upon that. Then find something else you can admire about them. Rather than allow anger and condemnation to build, think of a time the person helped you or did something you liked. That will balance out the negativity and quickly open up new possibilities in the relationship.
An ancient Zen story tells us about Master Bankei and his way of dealing with the negativity of others.
Zen Story: Master Bankei -Who Will Teach Him If I Do Not?
When Zen Master Bankei held his retreats, students from many parts of Japan attended. During one of these retreats, a student was caught stealing. The matter was reported to Master Bankei with the request that the culprit be expelled. Master Bankei ignored the request.
Later, the same student was caught in a similar act, and again Bankei disregarded requests to expel him. This angered the other students, who drew up a petition demanding the dismissal of the thief, stating that otherwise all the students would all leave.
When Master Bankei read the petition, he called everyone before him. “You are excellent, wise students,” he told them. “You know what is right and what is wrong. You may go somewhere else to study if you wish, but this poor student does not even know right from wrong. Who will teach him if I do not? I am going to keep him here even if all the rest of you leave.”
A torrent of tears cleansed the face of the student who had stolen. All desire to steal vanished. The desire to steal vanished because Master Bankei saw the truth about him, his innate goodness and thus he brought it out in him.
Self-Centered Absorption
Maser Bankei’s students did not see the need of the renegade student. They were only absorbed with themselves. When we become completely absorbed with ourselves, the whole world revolves only around ourselves and those similar to us. It is then easy to feel grandiose, better than everyone. In this frame of mind, if someone is not doing what we feel is right, or not giving us the honor and attention we desire, we either leave, or cast that person out of our lives.
But Zen practice is the practice of opening to all, seeing the amazing possibilities and truth of everybody.
The Self-Centered Mind Causes All Pain
When we are absorbed with ourselves, we want the good only for ourselves, and find reasons to reject others naturally. This is an awful way to go through life. We do not see that all of us have all kinds of moments. It is not the changing feelings and actions of others, but the self centered mind itself that causes all our pain. Master Bankei was not living in the self centered mind, so he saw the problem of his student with stealing as a call for him to teach. And for the student to grow.
The self-centered mind operates in bad faith. Other people become objects to be manipulated so they can serve us. We do not see others as equals, sometimes not even as human beings with the same needs, and desires as we have. Others may only be there to serve and validate our self centered mind’s beliefs.
To Whom Do You Refuse Kindness?
Take note of the ways you are involved in self-centered obsession. To whom do you refuse kindness? Whom do you condemn? What kind of fantasies do you entertain about people who seem quite different from you?
Self-centered absorption does not express the basic truth of who we are. Living this way we are simply encasing ourselves in a cocoon that turns into a prison. In order to dissolve self-centered absorption, we must learn how to unravel the cocoon.
At first this can be frightening, because the cocoon feels so familiar and safe. The longer we stay inside it, however, the more insulated we become from the world, and the less we understand it and know how to respond. This cocoon itself puts us in danger. The safest place is out in the air, under the broad, open sky.
How Do You cocoon yourself? In what areas of your life are you centered only upon yourself? Where do you curl up and hide? Just doing these simple exercises, becoming aware of the way we live and the fears that rule us, start to undo them. No one wants to live a life of withdrawal, which is a life of loneliness. No one wants to miss out on the wonderful adventures and encounters that are always waiting for those with an open heart.
Life is a process in constant flux in which every person contains everything. Whatever another human being has experienced is also within you. Because the flow of life is continuous someone can be angry one moment, then filled with love the next. There is always the possibility of change, growth, and renewal for everyone. When we see others in that light, we help them grow and are removing the chains from ourselves as well.
I think of a dear friend, Rabbi Joseph Gelberman, an original founder of the Interfaith movement in the United States. In those early days he received a great deal of criticism from everyone. One day I asked him how he was able to go on when people were so critical of him? I never forgot his answer.
“They all love me,” he said, smiling. “They just don’t know it yet.”
Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D. is an award winning author, speaker, psychologist and long term Zen practitioner. Her work integrates the teachings of East and West and focuses upon how to live them in our everyday lives and relationships. This article is based upon her book Fearless (The Seven Secrets of Peace of Mind). She offers talks, workshops and a weekly podcast, Zen Wisdom for Your Everyday Life. www.zenwisdomtoday.com topspeaker@yahoo.com
