Building Fearless Relationships: The Courage to Be Who You Are
by Brenda Shoshanna, PhD, New York City
Fear is an ongoing factor in relationships. It confuses our mind, undermines our confidence and prevents us from making choices that would be healthy for all. A great source of fear is rejection by others. We’ll do anything to avoid it and avoid the upset rejection brings. But the true pain does not come because someone has rejected us. It is because we constantly reject ourselves. It can be very difficult to overcome the one within which always finds fault, both with others and ourselves.
Stop Rejecting Yourself
Not aware that we have rejected ourselves, we become overly hungry for the approval of others. Rather than experiencing relationships as a place of safety and support, they often become a place where we are constantly performing, trying to make the grade, and please others, in order to receive the security we crave.
And, when we slip up, as is completely normal, a new fear arises, that we are basically unlovable. Many fear that they’ll never be able to meet anyone’s standards or needs. They then twist themselves in all kinds of ways, pretend to be someone better, in order to receive the acceptance and validation they crave.
Living as a False Self Always Backfires - Stop Rejecting Who You Truly Are
Of course, sooner or later, this has to backfire. Living as a false self can only go on for so long. It takes too much of a toll. And even then, when we do receive approval from others, we seldom can take it in or feel that it is true.
Make Friends with Yourself
First we must accept and approve of ourselves, make friends with ourselves, become a place of support and understanding. As we do so, we will not even need or crave approval for the false self we present to others all day long.
Respecting Ourselves
Who we truly are does not need approval of others. It just requires that we stop pretending to be who we are not and rejecting who we truly are. As we choose to be who we are, enormous relief and energy become available. Strength and resourcefulness also arise. No matter what hardships come into life, if we have the respect of ourselves, we will also have the natural ability to handle whatever comes along. It is such a gift to grant ourselves the right to be who we are, and simultaneously, grant it to others as well.
Granting All The Right To Be Who They Are
Granting all the right to be who they are is a deep act of love, respect and honor. We let go of demands that others be a certain way, and threatening to reject them if they are not. (This does not mean staying in toxic situations or approve of that which is unacceptable to us. It simply means that we allow others to go on their own journey, make their own discoveries and not try to control every step they take.)
Granting the right to be who we are is actually a lifelong practice, and an enjoyable and beautiful one at that. Here are a couple of exercises to get started. As you do them, you will be able to open up your innate storehouse of courage and strength.
Exercise: In Order To Really Be There For Another, We Must First Be There For Ourselves.
Notice how much time you spend each day devoted to presenting a front to please others. Or saying something that is not really true for you. See how this affects you, drains the life and joy out of your day.
Perhaps you don’t speak up about what matters, or fear it is dangerous to be truthful. The real danger, however, is believing this fear, not discovering and living from your essential truth.
Finding What Our Heart Treasures
How many of us even know what it is that our heart treasures? How many have numbed themselves so much they’ve blocked it out? In order to become able to be really there for another, we must first learn how to be really there for ourselves.
Self Recovery
There are many recovery groups these days; groups for alcohol, drug abuse, relationship abuse, sexual addiction, eating disorders, addictions of all kinds. How about recovery of the Self? Addictions and obsessions are fueled by hunger for the authentic Self, by the emptiness of life without it. Once the Self is recovered, equilibrium is established and everything else falls into place.
Exercise: What Your Heart Treasures:
Take a few moments each day to stop and ask yourself what your heart truly treasures. Take a moment to notice when you are spending your time, living someone else’s dream.
Living Someone Else’s Dream
In order to know who you are, you must not only know what your heart treasures but also what it does not. It’s important to recognize what is false and unworkable in our lives, when we are living someone else’s dream. It is then that we are fundamentally out of synch with who we are.
It’s important to acknowledge that which we cannot do, that which is not right for us. So many spend years of their lives twisting themselves to conform to expectations of others that they completely lose touch with who they truly are.
Families are famous for projecting their images and demands on its members. People “in love” do the same. However, these images which are projected onto others can be lethal. They cause pain, distortion and lack of self-acceptance, lack of knowing who we truly are.
You Can’t Say Yes if You Can’t Say No
This is a statement of truth and a great medicine, which needs to be deeply absorbed. Much fear arises because we are unable to say No. I am not speaking of the impulsive, automatic no we offer out of resistance, anger or stubbornness. I’m speaking of a different kind of No. It comes from understanding and accepting who we are and who we are not. It comes from knowing what is true for us and what is false.
This No is a sign of respect for ourselves and others. It is recognition that it is perfectly fine to be who we are; we do not have to disguise, distort or reject ourselves. .
Many can’t do it. They feel guilty and ashamed of not going along with the group. They feel that if they don’t meet everyone’s needs, they have failed or there is something wrong with them. Some imagine that they should be able to belong everywhere, respond to every calling. This scatters their forces and confuses their mind. By living in this manner, they lose touch with their authentic selves and cannot develop the courage to be who they are.
Exercise: Stop fighting rejection by others. It doesn’t matter, is not personal.
Let Anyone Who Wants To Reject You Do So
If others reject you because you’ve said No, let them. Realize that you can’t say yes if you can’t say no. Your yes is then not a real yes, it just arises out of obligation, and the wish to be accepted.
When someone rejects you, smile and realize, they’ve only rejected their image of you. They don’t even really know you.
When you can’t say Yes, or No in an unconditional, whole-hearted manner, your relationships become uneasy and fragile, established on a shaky foundation. However, when you establish your relationships upon the truth of who you are, fear and pain have nowhere to take hold.
Brenda Shoshanna, PhD is an award winning author, speaker, psychologist and long term Zen practitioner. Her work integrates the teachings of East and West and focuses upon how to live the teachings in our everyday lives. This article is based upon her book Fearless (Seven Steps To Peace of Mind). She is presently working on a program on Self Recovery For All. Brenda offers talks, workshops and a You Tube channel, Dr Brenda Shoshanna, where she offers, Simple Solutions In A Complex World. You can contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her You Tube channel is Dr Brenda Shoshanna
