Reflections on the Father-Son Relationship
by Joyce and Barry Vissell, Aptos, CA
My first thirteen years of fathering were with two daughters, Rami and Mira. So, in 1989, with the birth of our son, John-Nuriel, I was to embark on a slightly different kind of journey. Over the years people have asked, “So, Barry, how is parenting a son different for you from parenting a daughter?” Here are my reflections on one father’s spiritual journey of having a son.
First, fathering a son has given me a more direct chance to re-visit my own childhood. Yes, this happens to some extent with children of the opposite sex, but I have found it to be more powerful and direct with John-Nuri, a son. There are times when I look at him, it feels like a window has opened to my own childhood. For example, John-Nuri has always been intensely bonded to Joyce. This is natural. She breast-fed him for the first three years of his life. Although I often felt like a primary caregiver, sometimes it felt like I was the person who distracted him from his mother, somehow filling in the time until he could be with her next. This experience shot me back to my own early years and gave me a better understanding of my father’s feelings. He often felt left out (as I sometimes did), but he didn’t have the skills I now have. He felt rejected by me, and by the mother-son bonded unit. He coped by either withdrawing or getting angry, neither of which got him what he was needing. I now better understand his feelings of being left out.
This brings me to my second point. How does a father include himself — wedge himself between the mother and the son? I (like perhaps many fathers) learned the hard way. I watched the tender flow of affection between Joyce and John-Nuri. It seemed his favorite pastime was clinging to his mother, getting as close as he possibly could to her. I envied that closeness, and often tried to cuddle with him, sing him songs, hold him on my lap, talk sweetly with him. In other words, I was trying to be a good mother — I was going for the sweetness. But this was not what John-Nuri wanted from me as his father. He would reject any attempt in this direction, except of course when he got hurt. Then he would accept my tender holding only if Joyce were not around. Boy did I understand how outcast my father must have felt.
I learned something very important in those early years of his life. I was attached to what love was supposed to look like — the tenderness and sweetness. But love comes in many different forms. When I would get down on the floor for wild “rough-housing” or silly games, my son’s eyes would light up with glee. When I chased him around the house, there was a shared joy between us. When I would throw him in the air or swing him around the living room by his feet until we were both dizzy, I began to recognize the bond of love every bit as great as what he had with his mother.
This then leads me to my final point. A son needs his father just as much as he does his mother, but often in a very different way. As John-Nuri has grown from childhood, he looked to me more and more to learn what it is to be a man and a father. I am and have been, especially when he stopped nursing, a very important model in his life. If I had to name one of the top qualities I modeled, it would be vulnerability. I tried my best to show him my human frailty, my fear rather than my anger, my hurt rather than my frustration, my sadness rather than my stoicism. It is an awesome and sacred responsibility.
Likewise, a father needs his son just as much as he is needed by his son. When I give my time to John-Nuri, and sometimes I feel there is nothing greater I can give to him, I am giving my time to a little boy who grew up two thirds of a century ago. When I love my son, I love myself and let myself become a little child again.
Our son is now thirty-six, enjoying his life with his wonderful husband, Isaiah. Together, they are making this world a better place through performing, healing, and the arts. I couldn’t be more proud of my son. He is just as proud of me. And we both love saying it out loud to each other.
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are passionate about conscious relationship and personal-spiritual growth. They are the authors of 10 books and a free audio album of sacred songs and chants. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free weekly inspirational videos and monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart. A Couple of Miracles: One Couple, More Than a Few Miracles. Semi-Finalist, Book of the Year, Online Book Club.
Lance knew what he had to do. For him, Penny was clearly number one. When he next saw his mother, he took her aside and let her know how much he loved Penny. He shared some of the special gifts he had received from his wife. Then, in a moment of true compassionate wisdom, he thanked his mother for being such a good mother — and for accepting Penny into her life as well. Lance couldn’t help but notice a hint of sadness in his mother’s eyes mixed in with an acceptance of the inevitable.
In that moment, a son was truly growing up. The relationship between all three of them took a turn for the better. His mother could now let go of the false hope of being the most important person in her son’s life. Lance no longer needed to protect his mother from the truth. And Penny could have a marriage with a more mature man.
Not all mothers and grown sons are this enmeshed, but too many are. It is ultimately a mother’s responsibility to prevent this level of enmeshment. She does this by holding healthy boundaries with her son, by not confiding too much deeply personal information, especially by not using her son as a surrogate husband. This can become emotional incest, where a boy/teen is encouraged or even forced to become the man of the house. A mother who uses her son as her deepest emotional support is not a healthy mother.
Like Lance, grown sons may need help to separate from their mothers in a healthy way. This may not be seen to be a problem until he has an intimate partner, who deserves to be prioritized over his mother. Like Penny, Joyce, in our early relationship, was hurt by the ways I sometimes made my mother more important than her. And like Lance, I needed to consistently choose Joyce over my mother, and let my mother clearly know how very important Joyce was to me. And I too saw my mother’s pain from realizing that she was less important to me than Joyce. But I also saw her grow up, and realize this was healthy, and something she needed to let go.
There was a special gift in this process. Because Joyce was so special to me, she also became special to my mother, and their relationship thrived. I will always remember how my mother would say to me, often in front of Joyce, “Barry, I hope you know that Joyce is the best thing that has ever happened to you!”
Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are passionate about conscious relationship and personal-spiritual growth. They are the authors of 10 books and a free audio album of sacred songs and chants. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free weekly inspirational videos and monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart. A Couple of Miracles: One Couple, More Than a Few Miracles. Semi-Finalist, Book of the Year, Online Book Club.
