Keeping Our Appointment With Love—If It's Real Love, It Cannot Harm

by Brenda Shoshanna, New York City

We all want love, are hungry for closeness, understanding, the chance to be accepted just as we are. But for many relationships are difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy. We’re afraid of being rejected, hurt, or losing the love we’ve finally found. 

Real Love Never Wounds Or Harms

However, the great secret is that we all have an appointment with love. There’s no inherent difficulty with relationships, love is abundantly available for all. Rlationships are always available right here, waiting. And, if it hurts, it’s not love, it’s something else. Real love never wounds or harms.

Many feel uneasy as they enter a new relationship, are taught to be careful, guarded or to strategize, play many games. What will I get out of this relationship, they wonder. Will this work out for me? 

Don’t Take The Crooked Path

This is a wrong question, which inevitably sets us upon a crooked path. In order to be happy in the relationship, no matter what,the question isn’t what will I get out of it. The quetion is what will I give? How will I grow, become more compassionate and authentic, develop a deeper understanding of the very nature of love. 

The outcome isn’t so important. Everything works out exactly as it has to and beomes a chance to grow. Rather than worry about what will happen, simply become grateful for the chance to learn how to love and grow. 

There are many fundamental principles of love. As we are involved in a relationship it is very helpful to apply these principles to what is happening right now. Each one is easy, enjoyable, very beneficial and can be done by all.

Principle One: There Is An Important Reason You Have Met This Person 

There is an important reason you have met this person and are interacting with them. Take time to discover the gifts that they are bringing to you. 

Usually we think, I'll decide who I’ll be in a relationship with, I’ll decide where it’s going and when it’s over. On one level it certainly seems that way. But often we cannot stop or alter what’s going on, no matter how hard we try. We can’t enter or leave a relationship no matter how much we want to. And so many times a relationship ends no matter how much we want it to last. 

Many become depressed then, take this as a personal failure. But it’s not. They do not realize, that no matter how they feel about it, they have a divine appointment to meet certain people, to interact with them and at a certain point, to part. 

In Zen this is called the stream of karma. Others call it destiny. Call it whatever you like. At times we're very drawn to be with a person and sometimes we want to get away, but despite our wishes and efforts, so often we must be right where we are.

Usually, our lives are ruled by what we like or dislike. We grab at what we like and discard what we don’t. But waves of activities, people and events come as they do, no matter how we feel. And circumstances change day by day as well. Accepting them one day and rejecting them the next we’ve lost our chance to really know on another and to experience real connection and love. 

And even when we don’t like someone they often keep re-appearing again and again. We cannot escape even if we want to. It doesn’t matter what you like or dislike it, the situation just goes on. 

There’s a lesson we must learn in a relationship. There’s a gift to give or receive, maybe forgiveness to offer. Until the relationship has fulfilled its purpose, it will not drift away. A wonderful teaching tells us that we think the time of a wedding is the peak of our love, but it’s not true. The marriage is only the beginning. The partner who comes to us is our Teacher in what it means to love. 

Principle Two: Everyone Who Comes To Us Is Our Teacher In what It Means to Love 

Whoever the person who comes into your life, see them as your Teacher. Thank them, (in your mind) for what you’ll learn from them. 

Whatever We Offer Another, We Receive Ourself 

What we see in another we bring out in them. Everyone responds deeply to the way in which we view them. When we seanother as our teacher, respect them, thank them, they feel it and are uplifted. Our perception not only brings out the best in them, it heals and uplifts us as well. Whatever we offer to another, we receive yourself. When you offer love and respect, how can you be in pain.

Most of the time we have it upside down. We enter a relationship hoping the person will make us happy, meet our needs. But that is a great misunderstanding that causes much of the pain we feel. When we view another person as an object to meet our needs, the chance for real love is gone. 

Principle Three: Instead of Wanting To Be Loved, Discover How To Be Loving

Don’t Focus on What You’re Getting Out of Your Relationship, Focus on What You’re Giving. Ask how May I Serve You? As we dwell upon being loved or approved of by others, we become agitated, resentful, hurt. As we focus upon being loving, we’re filled with delight. Rather than dwell upon getting something out of another person, dwell upon what we can give them. 

As we eliminate hoping for a certain outcome, and dwell upon how we can serve others, it removes so much of the pain we go through. We feel uplifted and happy. By giving to them, we are simultaneously giving to ourselves. A relationship is not a commodity to be earned or thrown away. It’s a gift we are receiving when we understand what is truly wanted of us. 

The more we can be present with all of it, the more we can accept and attend to it, the more we’ll actually end up liking everything. That's a strange paradox, but it’s so. When you allow someone to be just as they are, accept them, meet the person or situation fully, you are giving them room to live. This itself is love. 

Principle 4: A True Meeting Heals Everything 

Make room for whatever comes to you. Your role is to taste of all it, digest it and say thank you. Simply give your full, unalloyed attention to whatever comes, with judging it or commenting. Just being fully present, receiving it is another way of caring for it, not throwing it away.

Brenda Shoshanna, PhD is an award winning author, speaker, psychologist and long term Zen practitioner. Her work integrates the teachings of East and West and focuses upon how to live the teachings in our everyday lives. Her most recent book is THE DIARY OF A ZEN MAMA, www.jewishzenmamma.com. She offers talks, workshops and a You Tube channel, Dr Brenda Shoshanna. You can contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com.