How to Nourish Others and Be Nourished in Return
by Brenda Shoshanna, New York City
As a caretaker, it's very easy to get overwhelmed. It’s so important to understand how to nourish a person and also be nourished in return. There are certain psychological and spiritual principles of caregiving, principles that many of us aren’t aware of. Yet, when we learn these principles and practice them, make them real, caregiving becomes a source of energy and delight.
Principle One: Don’t Be Drained By Counterfeit Giving; Learn What True Giving Entails
If we don’t understand what true giving is, when we care for others, we can feel drained, isolated, even resentful. We feel we don’t have enough to give and often wonder when this ordeal will be over. We also feel unappreciated and as if no matter what we do we can’t make the other happy. All of those feelings are due to counterfeit giving and misunderstanding what is truly needed of us.
A) You Cannot Make Another Person Happy: That’s Not Your Job
It’s impossible to make another person happy. That is always up to them, and how they receive what you are offering. If you feel like a failure or unappreciated when the person does not get better, feel happier, or appreciate you, you have been caught in a trap. It’s also easy to be manipulated by those who are always dissatisfied. It makes you feel you must keep giving more and more, hoping that sooner or later things will turn around. Or that you can’t make the grade.
B) Give What You Can Without Focusing Upon Outcomes
Your job is to give others what you can without worrying about how things will turn out. When you give without expecting something in return, not demanding a response, you will feel good, no matter what. That is real giving. You do not really know either, how your gifts will affect others. The results may come in ways you never could have imagined or appear days or weeks later. Just the joy of being there and accompanying them in whatever they are going through is real giving and always appreciated, whether the person can say so or not. When we learn the essence of true giving, inevitably there are many wonderful outcomes.
Principle Two: “Feeding Others We Are Fed.”
(True Giving Is Its Own Reward)
There is a wonderful Zen story about a Zen Master who lived in a simple hut, with few possessions. One night a robber broke into the hut and stole everything he had. The Zen Master remained calm as he watched him and also watched the moon rise in the sky. As the robber was leaving, the Zen Master said to him, “I wish I could also give you the beautiful moon.”
How was this response possible? Because nothing the Zen Master had could be taken away. One thing was taken and another arrived. He clung to nothing. His entire focus was upon sharing instead. Without doubt, true giving is its own reward and brings deep fulfillment.
A) Only Wanting To Give
When we realize that we lack nothing, and that all we have is temporary, we only want to give. There are no requirements for mothers, they do not have to “deserve” the gift. In fact through being able to receive in this way, with no demands in return, the person will inevitably feel nourished.
However, often we give in order to receive praise, gratitude or fulfill an image of ourselves as a virtuous person. We are not giving to others then, but to ourselves. We are actually binding the other person, creating obligation and debt. The person doesn’t feel as if they’ve been nourished then, but imposed upon.
Principle Three: The Caregiver Must Nourish Themselves As Well
Sometimes we give gifts that are too costly, or feel that we must constantly keep giving, cannot say No. This is not giving, but compulsion, and it is unsustainable. The caregiver must always make room to nourish themselves as well. One way of nourishing ourselves is to take off pressure for an outcome and let go of wanting the approval of others. Being able to receive, and nourish yourself is a vital part of true giving. In the deepest sense giving and receiving are one.
Principle Four: What You Have To Give Is Who You Are
The true gift you give to others is who you really are. Pretense doesn’t work. Who you are speaks so loud, they can’t hear what you say. Just being real, fulfilled and happy is a great gift. It uplifts all, whether you can see it or not.
Train In Your Own Authenticity
Let go of images of who you should be, what you should say, and speak from the heart, from the truth of your being. True communication is healing. Truly nourishing yourself not only fills you, but the one you are caring for as well.
Exercise: How do You Nourish Yourself?
Become aware of the nourishment you desire and require and consciously give it to yourself. Allow yourself to be cared for. Rest when you’re tired. Stop to notice the sun or moon rising in the sky. Make time each day to spend giving yourself the gifts you desire. Let go of guilt about receiving. Let go of demands that others nourish you. It’s helpful to explore what is truly nourishing over the long run, what your true needs are.
Realize What You Are Receiving From The Person You Are Caring For
Take time to realize what you are receiving in the interaction. Tell the other person, acknowledge it truthfully. (Others feel awful being a burden, just taking.) They will feel so good seeing that the giving and receiving are mutual, that they are able to contribute to you.
Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D. is an award-winning author, speaker, psychologist and long term Zen practitioner. Her work integrates the teachings of East and West and focuses upon how to live the teachings in our everyday lives. Her latest book is The Diary of A Zen Mama (available on amazon). The Caregivers Guide is part of her workshop program. She offers talks, workshops and a You Tube channel, Dr Brenda Shoshanna. You can contact her at topspeaker@yahoo.com
